It’s the only way I can describe mental issues such as OCD, panic attacks, and severe depression. You are going about your otherwise regular life when— *BAM!*—unwanted terrorizing images, accompanied by extremely negative feelings go off like a bomb inside your mind and body.
The blast sideswipes you and knocks you to the ground. You lose your breath. As you stand in the midst of the tornado-ing thoughts and emotions, you try to dig into some kind of reality, but your mind feels like it is walking on broken pieces of floating icebergs.
You feel innocently and helplessly trapped inside a broken mind and body, and for a while you free fall into a dark abyss where oceans of hopelessness crash over you. And all you can do is cry out to God.
For those of you reading this who deal with these types of issues, you get it. For those of you who don’t, I guess I’m writing this simply to share part of my journey with you…and really, it’s from these experiences where my passion to launch Fearless 365 was birthed. I know what it feels like to stare eyeball to eyeball with seasons of despair, and my response has been researching deeply, applying great discipline with techniques such as: meditation, mindfulness, and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and for a season, utilizing psych medication. But most of all, I have purposed to draw closer to God and His Word. My desire is to be an encouragement to people who might be in the middle of a battle, and if I can help even just one person out of their pit, this whole endeavor is worth it.
Until that one person actually became me.
After quite a long time of experiencing much victory against this heinous enemy of mental terrorism, about a month ago, all hell broke loose in my mind and body. *BAM!* Faithful to its M.O., the onslaught was sudden and completely unexpected. I found myself inside a hurricane of panic attacks, OCD, and dark forebodings, and I’m not going to lie…I felt totally defeated. I did not want to fight this battle again. How long would it last? How hard would it be? And that ever haunting fear: what if I never, ever come to a place of absolute victory?
But even more, I was angry.
Angry at myself for pushing my body too far, angry at my mind for not obeying me, but mostly, I was furious at God. I felt completely let down by Him. And I was not shy about letting Him have it: “Listen here, Mister!! Yes, YOU up there. I get that you have blessed me in more ways than I can count. And I realize you have given me a great life, and you have answered so many of my prayers. BUT THE ONE PRAYER…the one that was the MOST important…the one to be healed once and for all of this nonsense…WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE THIS FOR ME?!?”
(Side note: Just be honest with God. He's not afraid of your doubts, and his shoulders are broad enough for your rantings. He knows you're thinking it anyway, so you might as well get it off your chest.)
It was a dark few days…but I kept pressing in to God’s presence even though I was still mad at him. (Haha) That’s so funny to me. It’s like when you’re mad at your spouse over something totally stupid, and you know you’re overreacting, and that you are going to make-up in about a half-a-second, but you still sulk until the very last minute.
Unsurprisingly, God didn’t respond to my rant; He simply spoke gently to my heart, “Get up.”
And so I did.
The Fearless 365 Week Twenty-Two Challenge: FEARLESS TO FIGHT AGAIN. For any one reading this who is facing adversity in any area of your life, whether it’s for the first time, or the second, or the tenth…Get up. For the one who is feeling the disappointment of what seems like unanswered prayers…Get up. For the one, who like me, is angry at God because you are grappling with the disparity between His omnipotence and your breakthrough…Get up and fight again.
Get up and posture yourself to fight again.
Only your fight is not what you think it is. Just like my fight wasn’t what I thought it was.
The fighting posture God asked of me was one of prayer. One of pressing into His presence. My ‘fight’ was to resist the urge to fight the battle in my own strength, and instead, to TRUST COMPLETELY in Him to fight the battle for me…no matter what it looked like, no matter how it felt. My job was to press into His presence and trust. Period. No time frame. No strings attached…just total surrender and trust.
As I did this, He surrounded me with the beauty of Himself, the strength of His love, and a peace that passes understanding. I no longer needed answers. I only needed Him. The end.
I’m not saying that *poof* everything was perfect in my mind and emotions…but His presence overshadowed the intensity, and His light began to pierce the darkness.
Get up. You can do it.
Fight again. Even if it’s the millionth time.
Trust in God. He will do it.
I love you and am praying for you, Molly
**STUDY PSALM 18** This Psalm is a mighty and poetic portrayal of how God wars on your behalf.
“Know therefore this day that the Lord your God is He Who goes over before you as a devouring fire. He will destroy them and bring them down before you; so you shall dispossess them and make them perish quickly, as the Lord has promised you.” —Deuteronomy 9:3
“Though he falls, he shall not be utterly cast down, for the Lord grasps his hand in support and upholds him.” —Psalm 34:24
This is a beautiful song that describes how Christ saves us from fear: